My Journal 1 Year Ago..

(Fall 2008)

I've been looking through my journal from when I first became a Christian in December 2008, and it's really showed me how much I have learned. I thought I'd share a few of the posts with you.

Here's a poem I wrote in January 2009, about 3 weeks after I became a Christian. WARNING: I'm not a poet, and I know it. haha.

When I was a little girl I longed for so many things.
To watch my parents embrace; love and adoration in my Dad's eyes.
To see gentleness and softness in my mother; to replace her tears with joy.
To feel my father's stubble against my cheek; to laugh as he tickled me.
To know my brothers hearts, to put my hand on their wounds and erase them completely.
I longed for deep and perfect love.
But, we are only human beings, wounded and imperfect.

I am a woman now.
Now, I am filled with perfect Love, God's Love.
I have felt gentleness, kindness, and sincerity in my father.
Father, when the time is right, I ask you for one thing.
That I can be gentle and kind when I love.
That through me, you can pour out your mercy and grace.
That you can give me a gift, a child so sweet.
That she can see her parents embrace.
That she can press her cheek to her fathers face.
That she can put her hand on her brothers heart, and heal his wounds.
and finally Lord, that her mother can love her, with a sweetness and a gentleness only you can provide.
For this I ask you Lord, that when the time is right, this little girl of ours will know the Love of her earthly and Heavenly Father.

That she can too, have all of my desires.

This I pray in your Holy Name. Amen.

Looking back on the things I wrote, there are things I would change. I don't have to wait until I have my own child to love, and to feel loved. I see gentleness, and sweetness in my own Mother's eyes. I love her and embrace her every chance I get for the things she has done for me. For the first time in my life my Father comforted me at my Grandfather's funeral, about a month ago. I still get teary when I think about it. How wonderful it will be when my own children do not have to cherish memories like that with their Dad, because the memories will be so abundant. Finally, like many brothers and sisters, I'm learning the power of loving words and a gentle soul. I love both my brothers individually and together, they are the vision of strength and endurance. Besides, it's never to late to put your hand on your brothers heart, just to let him know, I understand too.