Is He Husband Material?

Update: My beloved proposed to me on June 25, 2010. We are getting married May 7, 2011, and I cannot wait for that day to arrive so that I can begin my life with Daniel. In this blog I state that I do not pretend to be an authority on marriage. I would like to say that one more time! However, if there is one thing I can claim, that would be "dating". I have dated way too much for my good, and it lead me to so much unneccessary pain and suffering. Each time I endured another break-up my heart was shattered and my trust was broken. When I met Daniel I had to completely revoluntize my views on dating and relationships because of the countless ungodly relationships that I had been in.

I encourage you, if you are dating or even engaged, to read this blog post and consider these questions (for the record, most of these questions don't even come from me, so I don't take the credit at all!) I considered these questions while Daniel and I were dating, and I truly believe that he is going to be a wonderful spiritual leader, father, and husband in our family. I don't say this to boast, but to encourage you to have high expectations of the man that you marry. I believe that a marriage is difficult no matter who you marry, but why make it more difficult by marrying a man that doesn't love God and His Word?

(Charles & Susannah Spurgeon)

I am in love with Charles Haddon Spurgeon. But, lately I have been thinking about his wife. She was a huge influence on his life and his ministry, because with a great ministry there is often a great wife in the shadows. This is what Susannah Spurgeon had to say shortly after her beloved Charles confessed his love to her.

"I left my beloved, and hastening to the house and to an upper room, I knelt before God, and praised and thanked him, with happy tears, for His great mercy in giving me the love of so good a man. If I had known, then, how good he was, and how great he would become, I would have been overwhelmed, not so much with the happiness of being his, as with responsibility which such a position would entail.”

Choosing a husband is a big deal. Especially for the Christian woman, who must learn to submit to her husband, and put a lifetime of hopes and dreams into one man. Who is worthy enough for such a task? This is a question I have spent a lot of time on for the past 14 months. It's been nearly a year since I entered into a courtship with my own beloved, Daniel. I would like to share a few questions that I have asked myself over the course of our courtship.

(Mark & Grace Driscoll)

Questions Dating Women Should Ask (Adapted from Mark Driscoll's Sermon on Dating)

1. Since Eve was created, God has designed us to be the helper. Do you want to help this man? Do you know his life goals, dreams, and desires, and will you be willing to be his helper as he pursues them?
2. Is he tough enough to remain tough in tough times? How will he be around sickness, death, financial insecurity, ect.
3. Is he considerate and gentle towards me? Violence is inexcusable.
4. Do you feel safe around him? Do you trust him to protect you?
5. Will he be a good father to your children?
6. Is he a one woman man (Job 31:1)? If your man is afraid to committ because he wants to keep his options open, it's time to move on.
7. How valuable are you to him? Are you a priority in his life? Are you too much of a priority in his life (do you come before God)? This is idolatry and evil.
8. Is he willing to change his life or plans for you? (Is he set on going to Australia for 2 years for his Masters? This could be a problem).
9. Do you want your sons to be like him. Because they will.
10. Do you want your daughters to marry someone like him. Because they will.
11. Is he concerned about having a great time, or creating a great legacy?
*If you answered No to any of these questions, you have a lot of praying to do. I would say that no man is worth your time unless you answer is YES! to every question.

How to Honour a Woman (adapted from Mark Driscoll's sermon called Marriage & Men)
After you have considered these questions I would consider asking yourself how does this man honour you? You may even look at these topics together and discuss them.

1. Honour her maritally: Your boyfriend should not be looking for a roommate, or a girlfriend, he should be looking for a wife. If he is not ready to consider marriage, he is not ready to consider you.
2. Honour her physically: Men are stronger than women. They need to protect them, and care for them. It is not the time for you to be getting to know each other physically, this is not a test-drive. You both need to be careful in protecting yourselves from physical intimacy. Men also need to honour women by never raising a hand, or use their physical stature to be aggressive or intimadating. If you're in an abusive relationship, I weep for you, and I beg you to remove yourself from the situation and find biblical counsel that you trust.
3. Honour her emotionally: Be careful to guard your heart until you know what this man's intentions are. Is he pursuing you? Is he working hard to show that you are loved? This is not a game, but if a man doesn't think you're worth the time for a proper courtship he won't be an adoring and loving husband.
4. Honour her verbally: Does he intimidate you with his words? Does he hurt you when he speaks? Does he know just want to say to make you cry? This man is a coward, and he does not fear God if he's abusing God's daughter.
5. Honour her financially: Men have to work hard to provide for their wife and children. Is he a hard-worker now? Is he good with his money? Does he waste his money on toys and unneccessary items? Is he generous and a frequent tither?
6. Honour her practically: Is he an organized and planned man? Does he have a budget and a schedule? If things are leading towards marriage, is he preparing for that? Does he have a savings account for your future? Is he seeking wise counsel from older married men?
7. Honour her parentally: It is so important that you consider the fact that you are choosing a husband for your future, but you also are choosing a father for your children. Your decision will greatly impact innocent lives. Is this man going to spend time with his children, is he loving towards children? Will he read the Bible with them, love them, pastor them, and discipline them? We have enough fatherless children in this world, we need to be careful that we are choosing a man who wants a desires to be a daddy.
8. Honour her spiritually: When you get married you will become one with this man. This means that you spiritual states will greatly impact each other. Is he taking extra care now to pray with you, study the bible, and engage in discussion about theological topics? Does he regularly attend church, does he take you with him? Is studying the Bible a chore to him, or is it something that brings him great joy. If he ignores you everytime you mention scripture he is not spiritually mature and ready to be a spiritual leader.

I hope you consider all of these things. I don't pretend to be an authority on marriage, not being married myself. However, I have made the mistake of being with verbally abusive, unloving, selfish, and disgraceful men. They do not deserve to be with loving women, do not try to be the saviour and change these men! During your courtship you should be considering every aspect of your suitors lives. The way he speaks, the things he chooses to talk about, where he spends his time, and with whom. Most importantly, is this man in love with God more then anything in the world? The way he speaks about his Father in heaven, the way his mood changes when he considers the Gospel, this will be a great indication of the type of man you're considering.

(My Beloved, Daniel's parents, Kevin & Sue)